sweating

I went to my first sweatlodge on Sunday in Leando, Colorado.  The lodge is homemade out of birch sapling and tarps so that it's virtually air and light-tight.   We sat on towels and blankets leaving grass showing where I put my feet when things got too hot.   For a bunch of reasons including nursing, altitude, and hot yoga, I was half-dehydrated to start with but still well enough to feel claustrophobic when the door was closed and all was dark except for the orange glow of the granite rocks that were assembled already hot in a pile in the centre of the lodge.  With my eyes closed, I felt less anxious but still anxious, still trapped.  The ceremony of the sweatlodge was divided  into 3 "doors"  and then a final round of more sweating and singing and praying.   The physical door of the lodge, a piece of tarp the size of a big bed pillow, was opened between "doors", cold air and light entered, more hot rocks were added from the fire outside, the water bucket was re-filled.   When the door is closed, drumming begins, then singing, and then the leader asks for prayers.  My first prayer during first door was really vague.  On the second round of prayers, the facilitator encouraged us to share the joys but also the rubble of our hearts.  He said "rubble".  My second prayer was like this:

I have lived in Haiti for 5 years, most of the time with my doors unlocked.  

As we all know there was a lot of rubble in Haiti recently.

I was in my house in Port au Prince during the earthquake.

My house shook too but nothing fell of the walls.

The rubble at my house was not physical rubble but emotional rubble.

It's the rubble of my heart. 

My heart is broken.

Because we left Haiti.

Sure we stuck it out a few days.

And sure there was a ton of pressure because whenever anyone saw me and our 3 month old baby, they said "you better get out of here".  And we were scared to go to the Canadian Embassy to pick up his passport in case they might not let us NOT evacuate. 

But our baby Niko is unlike the so many children in Haiti who can't leave.  

And that's what breaks my heart -

not that they can't leave

but that we left with Niko and Gabriela.

What breaks my heart is that it's considered safer to leave and that we think and act like it's better over here.

It's different over here.  I don't know if it's better or worse...

...what I do know is that after I shared my prayer out loud to the 30 strangers sweating with me, I didn't feel claustrophobic anymore.  I opened my eyes to the darkness.  I breathed the steamy air in deeply.  I sat up straight.  I sang louder.  I felt those around me.  I was together with everyone.  (And my breasts started to spray milk into my shirt.)

In many ways Haiti has been a safer place for me than Canada: everyday adventures, reasonable amounts of food, fresh food all year round, sun, the family that is MCC,  no speed limits or superhighways, regular nights made romantic by lack of electricity, everyone's a Christian or at least can talk about it, fewer white people in case I was still comparing myself to my peers, Christmas at church and no presents!, confidence that Gabriela is getting both sides of her culture.

And yet I couldn't stay in Haiti in the short-term post-earthquake because I was scared...scared, not of lack of water or food or people stealing stuff but because I was scared of staying home with our two kids and Matt going out all day and all night and me being stuck there with Niko nursing and Gabriela sucking on his hands like she likes to do (it's adorable but drives me bonkers) and jumping on his head and me not knowing what to do, wanting to be the best Mama I can be but feeling bored, feeling powerless, feeling alone, feeling like my bum will get stuck in a chair, worried that I'll get fat and I'll be embarrassed and my children will hate me and I'll so lack confidence that I'll be scared to speak up and to hold my own and scared of not knowing what I'm good at and what if I'm just average? WORRIED THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO "HELP" HAITIANS because I've learned so much from them, and what if my grandfather found out I'm just daydreaming instead of writing academic articles?  What if some members of my family found out that I'd rather go out and drink a milk steamer by myself than read to my kid, that I'd rather go bowling than go to a CRC church, that I love the sexy feeling of shaking my hips, that I've always wanted to be black, that I think I'm an artist, that I'd rather eat spinach casserole than fudge anyday of the week even if it's local fudge and that I like reading Oprah magazine (sometimes).

So anyways, what I learned in the sweatlodge is that if I speak up I'll be more comfortable. 

Praise God for blogging. 

Esther

 

we are all loving the snow and sunshine 

(it's like our broken hearts are being frozen back together)

 

life goes on here and there...

Niko turned 4 months old yesterday 

and we all took a big leap with Gabriela 

celebrating her Fèt Fin Tete (Weaning Party)  

  

with a cake in the perfect shape of a breast 

friends and sparklers, balloons and music 

and one last nurse 

 

super Sean and super Niko

Thank you Sean for hanging onto us and hanging out with us.  

You are a natural with the baby!!!

 

sleepy Niko with being loved by Hillary, Louisville, CO 

 
Niko on couch, The Lift, Carbondale, CO

BOGOTA

Mateo, David, Antonio, Gabriela, Clarita, Esther, Niko at a PARK in Bogota

lots more to say but for now Hello to DORIS and your family from COLUMBIA
Columbia misses you!!!

looking west and flying south

...our wise friend Patti says what often happen when people leave is they jump into a similar situation OR the extreme opposite OR crash in their parent's basement.  We have considered both (yes we will come sooner or later this year dear parents but not with our exploding suitcases : )  meaning we've considered WWOOFing in Nicaragua and surfing in Melbourne (i am 34 after all and haven't surfed but Googe and I have both less time and less delusions about saving the world - most places I've been there are already people doing that) 

The real reason I'm leaving Port au Prince is not lack of amenities (which actually improved our relationships and handiness), or Haitian customer service, or the perfect weather...the real reason I'm leaving is because I want to live in a walkable community.  I could say lots about how I adore walking and how fabulous walking is for a society but Enrique Peñalosa (mayor of Bogota from 1998-2000) says it so beautifully that I about had an orgasm reading it:

"One of the most powerful instruments for creating an egalitarian society is by improving public space. A high-quality park never ceases to cause joy. People need to walk and be with people, and this is essential to their happiness. Parks, green spaces and libraries make enormous improvements for the lives of the poor and create a more just, egalitarian society."  And this from Mr. Penalosa who thinks cities in the developing world are at a critical moment when they can learn from the mistakes of industrialized nations and choose to develop in a more people-friendly way.

"In order for these cities [cities in the developing world] to prosper, they must provide happiness for their citizens", the former mayor said. "This happiness does not come from individual wealth, but quality of life. This is extremely crucial for the developing world because it is our competitive edge--we cannot give high income, but we can give quality of life"

isn't it so beautiful... and true!

So we're going to Bogota (tomorrow) even though the weather is so cloudy that we probably won't stay just because I want to walk where others walk and bike just because it is essential to happiness... we'll stay until my yoga teacher training in California (Feb 19-28).  

after that only God knows...

our list looked like this on Thursday:

1. Bogota

2. Montreal

3. some city in Holland- i think Niko would be real cute speaking Dutch

4. Winnipeg/Calgary/Halifax

5. Boston- 3rd after Miami and NYC for Haitian population

6. Tanzania

7.


here are the criteria: 

- walkable and walking activists

- we don't get called out to for being black or white

- two languages is really nice and fun

Making this choice gives me the same feeling I have when I'm in Canada under the hottest-shower-I-can-stand for just a few more minutes that turns into 20.  GUILT.   Why do I have this choice and 99.99% of the world doesn't?  If you don't already think I'm crazy, while I was in Haiti, I repeatedly daydreamed (especially while someone was asking me for a loan) about being a Haitian peasant growing vegetables and taking them down the mountains to sell.   I think I'd love that!  The grass is always greener... many a Haitian no doubt thinks my life is a bowl of peaches because my husband has a car, not to mention changes diapers.   I am herein and forever more committed to not promoting this myth: that my car and my car-dependent lifestyle is more wonderful than something else.  Especially to my children.

As for the guilt if there's anyone out there who knows where I got it, let me know : )   The first time I got on a bike in Dezam, my neighbour saw me and just about fell of his bike...instead he exclaimed "SHE HAS A CAR and SHE HAS A MOTOCYCLE and SHE'S BIKING!! Yep, she really is a martian!  The director of MCC Dezam (Haitian-born Jean Remy) tells a story about going to the market and buying a sack of rice and walking home with it on his shoulder.  People saw him and yelled out "don't you care about us? if you did you would give us that job?"  "Are you too good for us now? (because you have a job with the white people: MCC).   Haitians say to me, if you can then you choose what's best for your family.  I am happy to be leaving Haiti with some Haitian values that have rubbed off onto my heart from our 5 years here, i mean there : (    Values of faith, sticking together, holding relationships tight, not holding onto stuff, the closeness of candlelight (that is easier to remember if you don't have regualar or any electricity), honouring the time it takes to prepare a meal,  honouring gender roles, always having time for children and anything else that happens in a moment...there are many.   Thank you Haiti for showing me/us a high quality of life. 
May rub Haiti off of us and onto others everywhere we go.  
sources for the Bogota stuff:  http://www.thefreelibrary.com, www.walkable.ca, Wikipedia

St. Catharines STANDARD and Sarnia OBSERVER

We were interviewed by St. Catharines Standard and Sarnia Observer.  See articles here and here:

The interviews and the subsequent stories seem to be somewhat related : )      

Thanks to our folks who hooked us up to the papers.

news

Thank you to those who have written us asking for more stories about Haiti that may complete the pictures you are seeing and hearing on the news up there...Thank you MOM, JENNIFER, JESSA and the rest of you. We've been receiving calls from CBC (Stephen Puddicombe) and the Sarnia Observer which is pretty cool. From my experience, the earthquake made what's bad in Haiti worse: physical infrastructure, people needing work and what's good in Haiti stronger: friendships, solidarity, caring for one another. We need to value these basic human needs and potentials everywhere. We need to see these stories of love!!!! We need to keep learning and working with these positives of Haiti and Haitians and the rest of us. We need to stop feeling sorry for Haitians. We need to give them what we would want. There's no "later, after this crisis" to start giving Haitians the dignity they need to move towards true independence. There's no way to peace, peace is the way. (A.J. Muste)

Facebook Saved a Life, Literally

A-Mazing story:

Our friend Trish (in Alberta) contacted me on Facebook (at 4:14 on Monday), about the brother (in Haiti) of a friend of a friend of hers (in Miami), who desperately needed dialysis after the quake. She was looking for places in PAP that had the equipment. I posted that on FB at 4:30. Got a message from an angel - Randy - on FB who I don't even know, at 4:36.  His org had brought dialysis machines to Hopital Militaire. I passed that on to Trish right away, who passed it on to her friend. The brother went to Hopital Militaire and got what he needed!

An inter-continental FB exchange that literally saved a life!!!!!!

This feels great!

Update

We are both finding it very hard to write at a time like this, so very briefly, I will just let you know that we are in the Dominican Republic. We came across by road on Sunday night. We are staying with some friends here in Santo Domingo for a few days while we figure out what to do. The "figuring out what to do" part is not easy.  I wish I were further away so I wouldn't feel such an intense draw to return. It is painful.

Thanks to everyone for all the notes, emails, comments, etc.

Matt and Esther.

life here in haiti

hi everyone, just a short message here to describe a little bit of life here post-earthquake.  this is a newer kind of blow to Haiti...the last earthquake recorded was 200 years ago so no one remembers it.  as i'm sure you've heard on the news many foreigners have been evacuated.  had we stuck around at the Canadian Embassy yesterday we would have been evacuated also...and although we are Canadian (Niko just received his temporary passport yesterday...that's why we were at the embassy) we are confused about getting evaucuated because Haiti is our home..and because we are surrounded by our Haitian neighbours and friends (all who are alive and fine- PRAISE GOD) who are not going anywhere...but rather are sitting together, processing the tragedy through stories and questions and frequent trips to the street, making and sharing food together, sleeping together (there are 25 people sleeping in our yard!), drinking coconuts together (there's a big tree in our yard!), singing together, laughing together.  Here a story an MCC friend told me that says it beautifully:  after the quake, everyone in her like many neighbourhoods, dragged their mattresses and blankets outside to sleep on top of the mountain above their houses.   They were all up there huddled up and someone said: "maybe God just thought we've been sleeping our houses too much."  My neighbour (another MCCer) asked me if i minded all the people in "my" yard.  I said, no way I LOVE it!! they keep me company and they feed us, play with Gabriela, and let me know when Niko needs to nurse because the rest of the time they are rocking him, singing to him, admiring him, teaching him Creole but more than these personal advantages for a tired Mama, watching these Haitians be together, support eachother, be in this moment is massaging my heart.  i wouldn't miss this for the world or for a hotel with stable electricity.  so as yet another mission arrives to rescue Haiti, Haiti is continuing it's mission as usual.  that's that. 
on the other hand, maybe why these folks are so chill about this earthquake is because they are so used to blows to the head.  there are people who's job it is to pick up bodies and load them into dumptrucks, there people who are gravely injured laying waiting in the dark not knowing how long they'll be there, there is a woman who stepped out to the market and came back to find her house collapsed her husband and daughter dead inside.   A Haitian friend of mine said today: now people won't build crappy houses here anymore!  but the reality is they will rebuild crappy houses for the same reason they built a crappy house in the first place.  there doesn't appear to be another good option for the majority in Haiti who are trying nothing more than to go to school, to work, to start a family, to raise children, in a peanut shell:  to be human.  it feels inhumane to be packing up and flying off.  (AS FOR OUR PERSONAL PLANS, a total minor news story,...as many of you know, we were planning to leave Haiti anyway...in fact just before the earthquake Matt and I were in the midst of our very popular discussion-- where are we going from here?  and well, we didn't decide Tuesday and by now what we've decided that we will try to get to the Domnican Republic where we have a friend, a wise friend who we hope will help us listen to where we will go next.  we'll keep you posted...we keep praying with you for ourselves and the world around us.)  love from us in HAITI

Barbies Without Borders

Two stories that I read a while ago, about big-hearted and well-meaning folks in North America trying to make a difference for Haiti again reminded me of the importance of sharing and showing the reality of the impact of "aid." An organization in Minnesota sent 285,000 pre-prepared meals to Haiti just before the holidays to help fight hunger. "We have decorations, we have presents, we have all this stuff and it's like a present to these kids is food...There's a cure for starvation, it's food and so if we can just get food into their bellies I think we can stop starvation, that's my hope, that's my Christmas hope if you will." In South Florida, a group of people is organizing a toy drive for Haiti and other countries in the Caribbean. I feel like a scrooge for saying it, but I really wonder what the long-term impact of sending anatomically impossible and very white Barbies to Haiti is! I mean really, Barbies!!

The "sending food" issue is more frustrating because of the great agricultural potential that Haiti has. In a nutshell, Haiti used to produce the majority of its food needs, especially rice. Deforestation and other economic factors have drastically reduced agricultural output here. In addition, the importation of foreign rice, made all the more possible for virtually no tariffs on those imports, means that rice production is nothing compared to what it used to be.

We all, me included, have this idea that we can change Haiti somehow, with our smarts and experience (we wrote a bit about that here) and by sending food and other stuff. But I really believe that real change will happen when Haitians in Haiti are empowered (by education, by access to resources, by a government that facilitates and encourages change and investment, etc). (Our friend Alexis, the MCC Haiti Policy Analyst, does a good job of posing this conundrum in a post about shoes.) It's frustrating and complex - balancing a heartfelt desire to help with and understanding of what really does help and I don't pretend to have the magic bullet. I guess we keep talking about it, keep caring about others, keep seeking motivation to help and keep asking ourselves, and more importantly, those we work with and those who benefit from this "help" about what they want and what works . . .

The debate continues.

J w a y e N o w e l

PEACE to everyone this Christmas. We are happy once again to be celebrating Christmas in Haiti. We’ll be singing and feasting, hiking, and spending time together and also, PACKING. We are getting ready to leave Haiti (in mid-February). Like many who leave Haiti, we’re not exactly sure where we are going. But, as they say in Creole, "Bondye bon", God is good. We have grown here in Haiti during the past five years, not just grown in love with our two Haitian-Canadian children but also in our faith in an plan (an adventure) that is so much bigger than us. We have grown in our faith in God. Gabriela has been taking about Père Noel's birthday this whole month and Matt and I have been talking about Jesus' birthday. Then (finally) the other day she asked: "Kote Jezi?", Where is Jesus? and Matt responded: He's around here somewhere. Hope you are also in the presence of the Divine this Christmas.

IMMANUEL, God with us, ALL of us.

Life is pretty sweet in Haiti right now.

Some moments are ordinary (can you believe tandem nursing in a fort has become ordinary? it has.)












and some extraordinary (Thank you SO MUCH for your visit Opa & Oma!)















but all (almost) are sweet...

Last Ask

Yesterday Esther and Niko spent a few hours at the Heartline Women’s Program. On Tuesdays, around 30 women and their young babies (many born at the birthing centre at Heartline) come to sit together and talk about baby-stuff and meet with a nurse if they have medical concerns for themselves or their babies. The program is designed to give these women the skills and tools they need to raise healthy babies. They invited Esther and the 13.5 lb Niko to come and talk about breastfeeding. Niko perfectly timed his nursing so they entered the room nursing and the women could watch him grow before their eyes. Esther’s other breast was spraying milk like a sprinkler and the women could relate to the experience of wetting their shirts with milk as well as all the other joys of breastfeeding. Niko’s rapid growth and great health is a wonderful testimony and affirmation to what many of them are doing already. Many Haitians (fathers and mothers and aunts etc.) have a hard time believing that a baby can grow big just from breastmilk (who doesn’t have a hard time believing this miracle!!??) with the added challenge of keeping themselves well fed and hydrated and having enough time to breastfeed with all the daily work of washing, cooking, taking care of others and in the face of aggressive advertising by formula, milk, and baby food companies. From what I hear, Esther had the women laughing and joking and learning too!

Gabriela and I came later with Esther’s parents who arrived for a week-long visit. Being at Heartline yesterday spurred me to write this quick post to do one last “ask” for your support, in honour of Niko’s birth, to help the Heartline Women’s program. This amazing program is making a HUGE difference in the lives of many women and babies and we would really like you to consider making a donation to help them out.

You can read our original post here

We have received a number of really generous donations, big and small. Here in Haiti, there’s a popular expression: “Mande pa peche” meaning "to ask is not a sin." So we’re asking, one last time, for your support of this amazing program.

(See the original post for ways to donate)

Thank you, mèsi...on behalf of the women and growing babies of Haiti.

Quick Update

A quick update from us:

- Most of our posts lately have been baby related BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR BABY!. Being pregnant, giving birth and actually having Niko in our lives has been pretty all-consuming but we are really enjoying it. Niko is doing great, growing, healthy and happy!

- We are still trying to raise money for the Heartline Women's centre. We would be really honoured if you would make a donation, big or small, to this centre which provides critical pre-natal and birth services to poor Haitian women. We have set a goal of $5000 and quite a number of you wrote us and said you would donate - THANKS!

- My (Matt) parents arrive today! This is their third time coming to Haiti (4th for my mom!) and we are grateful to be in Haiti where many people have been able to visit. Won't you come too??

- Haiti remains interesting as always. Many people have been talking about how Haiti is at a crossroads, how there is unprecedented hope for Haiti right now. I think a lot of that is true, BUT, it appears that the government is going to fall this week. Some politicians are upset with the Prime Minister's track record thus far and apparantly she is being summoned for a non-confidence vote. She may resign to avoid having to face that embarassment. Either way, if she goes down, the government goes down. That means political, social and economic chaos, again. It is very frustrating after seeing a lot of positive signs the past 2 years in Haiti to be contemplating heading back down the path to turmoil.

Breathing deeply, here in Haiti.

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

We feel SO BLESSED to have given birth to Niko at our home in Haiti. You can read our birth story on our blog at: mattandestherinhaiti.blogspot.com. It was a crazy night but as the dawn broke our dreams came true and we held Niko in our arms. It was exactly how we wanted it! Even though we didn’t know beforehand what the birth would be like, four wonderful and tremendously experienced women with Heartline Women’s Center here in Haiti do know what a perfect birth is, and they graciously and expertly shared it with us.

Since the birth last Saturday, we’ve been busy gazing at Niko and reading your notes of congratulations and blessing. THANK YOU. Many of you have also asked about sending a gift. We feel overwhelmed by your love and support and here is what we would offer as a suggestion:

We would be honoured if you would make a donation to the Heartline Women’s Center Pre-natal Program.

Here is some background on the program:

Each week the Heartline Pre-natal program sees twenty pregnant women, most of them who have never received pre-natal care. The program has been consistently full for two years with a wait list of twenty women. In the US or Canada, each of these woman's pregnancies would be "high risk". The program works with women that are malnourished, anemic, and suffering from diseases such as HIV and Hepatitis.

These challenges mean that we need to work with them and monitor their pregnancies very closely. We check their vitals and offer them vitamins and pre-natal/health education each Thursday. On a rotating schedule and when extra attention is needed they are seen in the exam room for a full pre-natal check at least once a month. At the end of their pregnancy we see them in the clinic room weekly.

When it comes time to deliver their babies, the women can come to the Women's Center to have their baby delivered under the care of a Certified Professional Midwife. Most women in Haiti will deliver at home without the help of a medical professional. Often times women will attempt to get into a hospital to deliver, only to find out that the hospital is full or to learn that the expense is too great. Over and over again we've seen horrible outcomes for women who could not get help when they were in labor and needed immediate medical attention. Haitian women have very few choices.

This is where we come in ... Heartline offers the women in our program a safe, clean, peaceful and loving place to experience labor and delivery with trained Midwives to assist them throughout their labor and delivery. There is no cost to the woman. We are here to serve them.

There is an enormous list of supplies that the Heartline Pre-Natal/Birth Center needs to continue offering exceptional care to pregnant women of Haiti. The list includes vitamins and other meds, IV equipment, hospital beds, oxygen tanks, towels and clothing, teaching tools, vaccines and many more small but essential items.

A donation of $50 will provide pre-natal vitamins for all 20 women in the program for a week.

A donation of $100 will cover the ENTIRE cost of one safe labour and delivery at the Women’s Center.

Every little bit helps - $5, $20, $100, $500. Whatever you are able to share will make a pregnancy and birth a little closer to the joyful miracle that it was for us and should be for all women.

Here is how you can help.

1. Send a donation directly to the Heartline’s office in the US. Please be sure to write: Heartline Pre-Natal Program (NIKO) on the memo line of your cheque.
Heartline Ministries
PO Box 898
Sunnyside, WA 98944

2. Donate to Heartline Women’s Program through PayPal. Go the the Heartline website and click on the "Donate Women's Program" link.

3. Send us (Matt and Esther) a cheque and we will collectively write a cheque to the Heartline Pre-Natal program. (This may be the easiest option for people in Canada because Heartline cannot currently receive Canadian $ cheques at their Washington address).

For those living in Haiti, you can donate directly to Heartline in person OR write us a cheque or give us cash and we will donate in your name.

Matt Van Geest
59 Simpson Road
St.Catharines, ON L2N 3Z5

We are most honoured by YOUR support of the Heartline Pre-Natal program.

With love,

Matt, Esther, Gabriela and Niko

As it turns out we don't need to go out and buy another "GWO tété" [BIG breast] as Gabriela has been talking about this for weeks. My milk was already here when Niko arrived due to Gabriela's love love relationship with nursing. Soooo, on the midwives suggestion, because my milk was a bit too milky for little Niknik, I encouraged Gabriela to nurse a bit too just to reduce the quantity a bit while at the same time not keeping my milk supply strong. Well we didn't even have to ask Gabriela because as soon as she sees them, she all game. Yesterday my breasts grew bigger than my belly so I knew the milk was even more HERE. Gabriela climbed up for a nurse and after a few big sucks sat up exclaiming in front of us and our neighbours "Mwen pa vle lèt!" [I don't want MILK!]. We all burst out laughing and she got cross-looking and then burst out laughing too. Then she asked Matt if she could nurse on him instead. We took this photo about 2 minutes later.
What a gift it is to be able to nurse! While both our first culture (Canadian) and our second culture (Haitian) are surprised to see us still nursing at age 3, we are happy that we are able to live out our instincts and ignore what doesn't seem to make sense to our instincts. We ENCOURAGE all Mamas to do the same (trust your instincts) whether it's nursing or bottle-feeding or writing post-modern lullabies. And we hope that both in Canada and Haiti that breastfeeding will be more and more encouraged and the breast will be celebrated for it's LIFE and HEALTH giving POWER above all.
EdG