Thursday, June 11, 2009

bellies in the sun

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Hockey in Haiti?

Normally, the stories on Haiti that I get in my news alerts have something to do with the latest political scandal, a new UN report on the plight of the poor here, and, of course, massive deforestation. I usually don’t read that stuff anymore. This one, however, caught my eye because of the sports connection. At first glance I took it as a fluff piece with little relevance to the Haiti of today. But after a while, I started to realize that this story reflects in so many ways what IS happening in Haiti each and every day.

It’s all about failed dreams really. The train wreck that is Haiti today is just like the failed championship dream of your favourite hockey/baseball/basketball/football team. So devastating. So achingly frustrating.

Oh, what could have been!

You know, if you visit this blog from time to time, that we try not to dwell on that frustration. But sometimes, sometimes, it’s hard to ignore.

Maybe the recent botched elections with virtually non-existent turnout, the pending hurricane season, the seeming lack of leadership from the top, signs of increased instability in places like Cite Soleil have all got me a little frustrated.

(http://bleacherreport.com/articles/185296-sports-bizarro-world)

As the 2009 NBA playoffs come to a close, we will soon see Kobe, Lebron, Melo, or Dwight wearing a fresh "2009 NBA Champions" t-shirt and hat as they celebrate on the court with their teammates.

Kobe may be holding up four fingers in an eerie jordan-esque way. Mo Williams may be taking imaginary photos with an imaginary camera of a posing Lebron James. No matter who wins, there will also be a Final's loser and somewhere in that arena is the exact same set of "2009 NBA Champions" t-shirts and hats for the losing team which will never see the light of day in the U.S.

Have you ever wondered what happens to all of the Championship gear for the team that loses the big game? Somewhere out there, is a Sports Bizarro world where Michael Jordan is the biggest choke artist in NBA history, reaching the finals six times, but never winning that elusive title.

The Buffalo Bills were the dynasty of the 90’s and the Cowboys got dominated. A world where Kobe and Shaq’s divorce could be rationalized as the pair has gone zero for three on the big stage.

A world where Jeter and Mariano come up short four out of five years and are traded away in 2000 for some over the hill, 37 year old former all-stars by an impatient George Steinbrenner. These t-shirts and hats are shipped to Third World Countries like Ethiopia, Haiti, Sudan, etc.

Somewhere in Haiti, a little boy is wearing a "Patriots 19-0 Perfect Season" t-shirt right now. Although you will probably never see it, this Bizarro Sports World is out there and it is the only evidence of a sports world which could've been.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Responding To Crisis In Haiti, Dyslexic Peacekeeping Unit Arrives In Tahiti

Responding To Crisis In Haiti, Dyslexic Peacekeeping Unit Arrives In Tahiti

In response to an outbreak of looting and violence spreading throughout Haiti as rebel forces battle for control of Haiti's capital city of Port-au-Prince, a unit of dyslexic U.S. peacekeeping troops arrived in Papeete, Tahiti, on Saturday, determined to restore order to the Tahitian capital.

While Port-au-Prince has been in a state of near-anarchy following President Jean-Bertrand Aristide's forced departure last week, the group of dyslexics encountered little or no resistance as they swept through the streets of Papeete, nearly 6000 miles from the Haitian capital.

"To be honest, we're a little confused," said Col. William Barton, who heads up the 20-man unit of dyslexia sufferers. "We read in the paper every day about the problems in Tahiti, but we never see any of it ourselves. I mean, looting, shootings, political upheaval...that stuff is pretty hard to miss."

Barton added, "It's almost like they're talking about a different place altogether."

Reportedly adding to the confusion is the ineptitude of the higher-ranking officers, from whom the unit takes their orders.

"In all of the orders we've received, they refer to 'the Tahitian President,' but there is no Tahitian President," said a member of the unit who asked to remain unidentified. "And even if they meant the President of French Polynesia, that's Gaston Flosse, not this Aristitude guy."

The soldier then added, "You would just think that the higher-ups would have a little better idea of what was going on around here."

Despite finding no evidence of any kind of rebellion, the unit still had orders to patrol the streets Sunday, which they did, wearing black ski masks and carrying M-16 rifles. Though the unit did not encounter any heavy resistance, their efforts were not in vain, as they stumbled upon a looting in progress at a small convenience store just four hours into their patrol.

"It was a smash-and-grab style looting involving three young rebel recruits," lifelong dyslexic Barton reported. "Well, they didn't necessarily smash anything, but they sure did grab."

Though Barton estimated the rebels' ages to be between 10 and 12, he asserted, "Sometimes those are the most dangerous ones.”

Some of the items reportedly looted from the store were a package of Planter's honey-roasted peanuts, a vanilla-scented hanging air freshener, and a pencil bearing the flag of Tahiti.

According to Cpl. Jesse Harris, who was diagnosed with dyslexia just last year, he and his fellow patrolmen happened upon the scene of the looting as the rebels were already fleeing.

"When we're on patrol, we always have our M-16s cocked and ready, so we just opened fire on them,” said Harris. "It was kind of exciting because we thought we were finally getting in on some of the action we had been reading about in the papers. I guess we didn't hit any of them, but one of the rebels fell to the ground. I think he just got scared because he realized that the rebellion would be put down quickly and he decided to join the winning side."

Though they were able to take only one of the rebels into custody, the rebel's mom told the soldiers where they could find the others who got away. She also reported that their mothers would be "very disappointed" in them.

Pundits are calling this the biggest dyslexia-related misunderstanding since 2002, when Brian Haverty of Pensacola, FL reluctantly cancelled a trip to Italy after misreading an article about spaghetti in Newsweek.

(http://www.enduringvision.com/news/world_010204.php)