fear

Dear Wisdom,

Things are great: a day in sand and salt (the ocean), good relations with our housemates, an upcoming workshop on soapmaking with Haitian coconut oil that we make ourselves, with SOIL staff and friends, teaching YOGA !!!! at Breda, new blan in the neighbourhood if not new friendships at least deflecting just a little attention from us (me and you not to mention blondy and our sassy big sister), OMA coming in less than a month...

As for planning for your arrival things are also good. We've been putting some old furniture back together like a mahogany day bed and we've ordered our first ever table and chair set; today I ordered a sheepskin rug for you as we're expecting the rainy season to come shortly after you.

With all things exciting (like your arrival ate) there are also fears. In an effort to keep these fears at a reasonable level, I am writing them down, in random order...that:

• you will fall out when I'm in the outhouse (I get nervous now every trip I take). (Fortunately we also have a pee bucket for night-time and for nervous pee-ers like I'm becoming.)
• you will decide to be born on a the boat that is taking us to Mole St. Nicholas and the boat breaks down
• you will not survive your own birth and I'll have to make this journal into your memoir
• you will not survive and it's presumed that you would have survived had we decided not to stay in Haiti and it will be all my fault for deciding to stay
• you will get meningitis or something equally scary and we won't notice early enough or take it seriously enough to get you appropriate care
• you will have some unexpected condition or defect that Haiti can't handle
• you will have Down Syndrome which I've heard once we get used to the idea is more a blessing than anything else.
• you will be a girl
   
• tomorrow I will get hit by a Mac truck one day b/f our international medical insurance takes effect.
• I will fall while carrying you because the floor gets wet from night rains in places we're not used to because it's the beginning of the rainy season that we haven't experienced in this house yet
• everything will happen beautifully and more or less perfectly and I'll just feel so incredibly blessed that I'll live in fear that something awful is bound to happen to us. We have already been so blessed, maybe that's why I'm fearless & fearful already
• both Gabriela and Niko will re-turn into babies and I'll be holding on to you will trying to keep them from clawing everyone else including you
• the sheepskin we just ordered for you really is related to SIDS
• Matt dying
• someone stealing our new solar panel...the one that makes my sewing machine work :

Writing these fears is different that what I have heard myself saying: that things just happen as they were planning on happening e.g. the earthquake in Haiti. So I'm a little surprised.

But we can handle these fears.  We ARE handling these fears...

with prayer, meditation, breath, and silkscreening (why not!)

AND

committing to living life fearing God (not that fearing God prevents challenges)

AND

fearlessly living out our passions

AND

learning

Stay safe in there my wise one.